September 10, 2022 Free (JOURNAL ENTRIES)

September 10, 2022 

 

There is a silence in my head for the first time in six long years. The buzzing in my brain has eased to a welcome and comforting quiet that beckons me forward to be held in its embrace. 

I fear the day the noise will return. When the cacophony of voices filling me with dread and anxiety comes for me again, will I be ready? 

But in this moment, I realize the future is beyond me. It is far beyond my reach across a sea of haze that I cannot push through. I don't want to push through it anymore. All I have is now in the clear moment air to breathe in my joyous relief to not feel afraid of my own mind. 

What a welcome feeling it is to be serenaded to sleep by gentle thoughts and soothing dreams. What a freeing feeling to not seek out a place to hide so I can sob my uncontrollable and misunderstood emotions into the crook of my arm before rejoining society.  

I am not whole, I am not healed, but I am for the moment free.