Last Day of 19- Journal Entry June 16 2022

 

Last Day of 19  

19 has probably been one of the most eventful years of my young life. The first half was mostly blurry, with distorted memories of drinking and smoking my life away with friends at small parties that occurred on a weekly basis. My mental health- in return to the alcohol consumption- was failing miserably. I was a wreck 90% of the time and the other 10% I was a somewhat manic disaster.  

I was running a Tik Tok account with a large following, developing an interest in making more book content on Youtube- I had parties almost every week in between working at Starbucks and reading in my spare time. At the time I thought it was wonderful that I was always so busy- but I only realized recently that I stayed that busy to avoid having to confront any uncomfortable feelings beneath the surface.  

In July I quit my job at Starbucks due to my extremely overwhelming mental health issues and spent the rest of my summer trying to focus on getting better- but as time went on I seemed to only get worse.  

When I moved away from my hometown of 19 years in September- I wasn’t sure whether or not I would be emotionally capable of living in another city. I moved in with my partner and my roommate on the first of september. 

The apartment was a tiny, lightless tomb underneath an overcrowded house of young adults without the luxury of money to survive in a much cozier apartment. The only thing I enjoyed about living there was the deck where I could sit and paint during the afternoons and drink a smoothie while watching a bewildered squirrel approach me with innocent curiosity.  

Painting and reading like always became my escape from any bad thoughts or situations, without friends, family, or parties to attend in this new city I was left often with plenty of time by myself to think and feel emotions I had been avoiding for the first three months of turning 19. I didn’t cope well with this shift- but I began to learn to understand and express various feelings through book characters and painting more thoroughly than I had previously done in the past.  

During the fall I read the Red Rising Series by Pierce Brown- which I absolutely fell in love with upon reading for the first time. It was one of the few books I had read while 19 that had truly affected my perception of myself and the world. Darrow’s story arch was one that made me want to fight back against my own exhaustion and work towards the things that would make me feel more secure and just in my beliefs even if the fight was initially uncomfortable.  

This series became a large reason why I left my university by December, opting to take distance ed courses while working towards a job elsewhere. Doing both gave me the ability to get a nicer apartment with large front windows that allowed me to fill my apartment with plants and lovely décor that made my space feel happier.  

At the same time, I had made a group of wonderful friends who shared my interests in dungeons and dragons, reading, video games, and other things that I love. For the first time, I had a group of friends pushing constantly for my happiness and safety, which completely changed my life. I could not be more thankful for these people and everything they have given me in the past year.  

One of these friends had been the one who pushed me to read Leviathan Wakes by James A. Correy, while I pushed her to read Gideon the Ninth. This trade allowed for a new exploration of genre and character work for both of us which made a significant connection between us. I find I bond best with people through books- not understanding social cues or how to hold a conversation makes it difficult to show you love someone- but finding that person between the pages of their favourite books feels so much more special to me.  

I went into 19 thinking that life would remain the same but finding a group of people who love me showed me that I could feel better and that things can be better. Between impromptu shopping trips, cooking together, playing dungeons and dragons twice a week, video games, and late night talks that go on for hours I have found my safe space amongst wonderful people.  

Not only that but through this group I met someone I fell in love with them. I never thought I’d truly fall for another person but they proved me wrong and moving into a polyamorous relationship after 4 years of David and I being a couple was a very interesting but welcome change.  

Looking forward to the future, I have hope for 20 year old Fen. I think 20 year old Fen will be okay.  

This Fen has a job they love, they’re open about their life and goals, an incredible support system, and a distance from substances that may worsen their health. 

Here’s to myself as a 20 year old. 

Good luck 

I hope you make it through okay